June 26, 2011

This blogging thing is awesome. Ok so here is what happened. I received a phone call, e-mail and numerous text messages from the German guy I left, (the one that broke my heart). As strange as it sounds it was nice to hear from him but I think he wanted to do more then text nicely or chat nicely. For starters I was angry because I am a lady that still loves him deeply but that whole concept of x-rated chat or sexting blew my mind. Reason is... I haven't spoke to him or had contact with him since Easter (I mailed cards to his kids, which I was very close to) Now he contacts me only because I mailed his oldest a birthday card. What is wrong withh this picture? He tells me that he loves me, misses me, and wants to make love to me.. but he doesn't want to have an exclusive realationship with me. When I asked why he said because he needs to get his life on track and since the ex-wife was awarded like I everything in the divorce settlement he has no money, no life and nothing to offer me. He also mentioned that he wanted his "own" house and that I could live with him, so that way I couldn't kick him out. Ok I get I hurt you, but move on from this, like I would ever do that again! Now like I said in my 1st entry I moved in with my ex-husband, not one of the smartest things I've ever done, needless to say I was desperate! So yesterday, my ex-husband and I go for a drive to return a DVD and I ask him why are you with me? Why did you move me out here with you? He really only had one response "I'm a nice guy." I just laughted and said I can move out or go back the the state I left, he said "No. Not now because I have a lease & I need your help to pay the rent. I said " Well, I am not even employed right now so you're paying all the bills." He was like "Yeah, and maybe the landlord will let us out of the lease if we give a 30 days notice." Call me crazy, but what the hell was I thinking when I left Thomas and moved 300+ miles to live with my ex? As I blog this to everyone, again I am thinking about moving back to my home state and trying to live on my own with my kids, who really don't care where we are just as long as I am happy. Now I sit and think... What will make me happy? I am a 38 y.o high school graduate with alot of accounting experience, but no degree. I wonder how much money do I need to make to support 2 teens and live in a nice area. My dream has always been to go to college, but I can't afford to be a single parent and not work. So I am back to thinking if I am going to move out and try living on my own I need to just find a job and make the best of it.

June 24, 2011

Ok this is the first time I've ever put my life out there for all to read, but I feel like this is my last chance to heal. So hopefully someone... anyone will have some good insightful advice.  I became a mother my senior year in high school but did not marry the father until I was 21, (against my parents wishes) Anyway thru the years I had 2 more children for a total of 3 kids and a husband. I did not go to college but I did manage to land a really awesome job with great pay. I was married for 15 years when I made the decision to divorce due to fighting and stress and basically falling out of love. After my divorce was final I started to date a man that I worked with but he was going through his divorce and not techinally "divorced". He moved in with me & my kids and it was all approved through the courts that his kids could come & visit and be around me. Needless to say 2 months after he moved in I was let go from my job due to dating him, after that I lost my home to foreclosure and had to move, but did manage to keep my kids in the same school district. He was later let go from his job, for reasons I still don't really know, but it did have something to do with his ex-wife and the fact that he was living with me.  In April 2009, we  start living together but due to his job loss and the HUGE amount of child support and alimony he really had no money to contribute to the household. No problem, I pretty much took care of all the expenses, but he was getting depressed and moody because he could not be "THE MAN" of the house. At first I tried to ignore his behavior and tell him what a great help he was around the house and with my kids. (He really was a gem and did all that he could to make my life easier. Finally he lands a job making about 1/2 the income he made before but was still paying a huge amount out to the ex-wife. Finally the divorce was finalized and the ex-wife was given everything.... literally! This court oredr giving her everything really pissed him off, but I was like whatever we will survive and thats what we did.. survive. Now he had a hard time with this because he was use to having alot of money, me? not so much .I always lived check to check., and I was so in love with him and  felt that as long as bills were paid and food was on the table for all 6 kids and we a had a date night then we were doing great. I was so happy. Now time has passed and he finds a job that he really didnt like and he was making about $4k a yr less then me , his ex-wife is acting psychotic about the kids and summer vacation and hair cuts and where he is permitted to take the kids. Oh my goodness! It was insane. The ex-wife constantly taking him to court for some dumb reason or another.I now have a teenage daughter and  son that decide they no longer like him and want rid of him so their dad and I will get back together. At this stage of the game I have been divorced for 2.5 years and living with this man for 1.5 years. My daughter needs counseling every week just so she can deal with the "divorce" and this angers him, and pretty much my kids do everything they can to make his life hell. I can feel the stress and tension and we are arguing and he is withholding love and refuses to talk about anything to me and is angry about how my kids treat him. I tried so hard to fix the problem but it was like too little too late. In July 2010 I was having a hard time at work with stress and the kids and then him. I finally lost it! I called my dad crying and explained what was going on and he was really of no help. I tried so hard to get us back to where we were and to get the kids to act right but the harder I tried the worse it became between him & I. About the beginning of August we had a huge arguement and I started to pack his stuff , which really made him mad. He told me that he has never hit a woman but when I started packing his clothes and told him to get out of "my house" I just tore his heart out and made him feel like a looser because he could not afford to live on his own due to his divorce. Now I was under alot of stress and I just lost it on him.. once I tried to kick him out and then once I flipped on him over my son. I apologized and tried to make amends but he said I just hurt him too bad and he just doesn't "feel the same" about me. Whoa, really?  As time passed the love I had for him was still there but again the ex-wife, all the court hearings, his job, my kids and whatever else was going on really took it's toll on our relationship and finally I talk to  my ex-husband, told him what was going on and that I really thought I was going to have  a nervous break down. So my ex-husband tells me to come to the state he is living in and we will live together and raise our kids, (because he still loves me). Oh boy did I make my family mad, but I did it! I packed up and left Thomas at the end of October 2010 and moved 300+ miles to live with my ex-husband. Now Thomas and I talked on the phone and e-mailed each other often until  the end of December the middle of January 2011. I was so hurt and heart broken that I could not even function in everyday life. I finally landed a job and started working to maybe help me heal, but it didn't seem to work. So I applied to a job in the state that I use to live in and got the job, but when I called Thomas and asked him if I could stay with him for a few weeks until I could find a place of my own he said "no" therefore, I turned down the job. Here I am 8 months after our seperation and I still hurt and I still miss him but we no longer talk ,e-mail or text each other. I do send birthday cards to his children  but that is all. He is still fighting with his ex-wife over money issues, she really took him to the cleaners (the courts gave her all $1 mill that he was worth) he is struggling financially & professionally. I don't bother with him because  he isn't a warm and fuzzy kinda guy. He is a 41 y.o german that doesnt believe the woman should support the family, but he did complain that  his ex-wife would not work, she even told the courts she has no interest in a job. Wow this lady spent $50K in 8 months and the courts thought that was normal.. really in this economy. So here is what I need from you! How do I let go and move on from a man that I love so much and would of did anything for. I have never felt this way for anyone, except him. What makes matters worse, now 2 of my kids want him & I back together, because they see how unhappy I am living with their dad. How do I get through this? How do I get him to give me a 2nd chance? How do I get him to forgive? Believe me I have prayed until I feel like God is deaf to my prayers and I read so many self help books and yet here I am blogging and hoping someone has some good advice and guidance for me.